Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
