Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize