I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Damn victory sex feels great
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
