I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
