you win again, gameday.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize