I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
