I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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