So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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