i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
