Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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