I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
