So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
