We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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