you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
