Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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