Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
