I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
