remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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