I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
