Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
