you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize