fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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