turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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