She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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