Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
