for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
