they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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