I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
