i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
