AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Less talking, more tequila
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
