you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I deserve this hangover.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
