ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
