I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
