I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
