sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
