I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
