just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
