Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
