I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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