Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
