my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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