yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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