i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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