I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
