he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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