...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
