those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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