Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
