help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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