btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
