i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
