Your mouth is God's brothel.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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