tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
