did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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