he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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