why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
