Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
