loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
