But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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