True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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