Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
