My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
