When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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