well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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