Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
