my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
