I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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