I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
